Sixteen years ago today, God called my mom Home. Affectionately known by my siblings and I simply as ?Ma.? Sad to say I didn?t have as close a relationship with her as my brother, sisters and niece. While that was a struggle for decades she made peace with me prior to her passing. That?s all that matters now, along with as many positive memories I can cling to. For years after she was gone I kidded myself into believing how great it was for family members, friends and colleagues to have such a better relationship with her than I did. On my 54th birthday in 2020 I had an epiphany while discussing this with my cousin at his home in Kingston, NH. Ironically, prior to having to move due to health reasons, this is the same town she lived in where she had purchased a home with a lakeside view. The powerful epiphany was that while I had been repeating those sentiments to him that day, I didn?t truly feel that way. Upon realization, I was overwhelmed with guilt and became uncomfortable to the point that I had to excuse myself temporarily to go outside for a walk, get some air and contemplate. Upon my return I explained to him why I?d become emotional and was grateful to have been able to have shared the revelation with him. I had come to the realization that I?d been carrying jealousy of others because I didn?t share the closeness to her the way they did. I?d gotten so used to suppressing that because I felt ashamed, but since then I?ve come to terms with it and can now admit and say I truly am glad for the closeness shared by others with her that I didn?t. Ma wasn?t a religious person and for a long time I wasn?t sure of my own beliefs. I wish I could hear the conversations she?s having with Him now. I will always miss her and wish she could?ve been present to witness the arrival of the rest of her grandchildren. I?m sure she?s watching over all of them very lovingly now and forever. God Bless you, Ma.
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